Episode 242 – Town for Sale
#MyLastSupper
Season. One. Finale. Welcome to the end of the first season, and what a ride it’s been. Lessons learned, friendships made… excuse me.
Sebastian! Sebastian stop that nonsense right this minute!
I’m sorry folks, it seems 19 year old son has taken it upon himself to play with his army men in the middle of my foyer. We can’t have that, why, that is where we meet our guests! I’m sorry..
Sebastian! Sebastian you know what we said about putting your head in there! Sebastion ple… Sebastian… Seb… Sebastian please. Thank you Sebastian, Mummy loves you very much.
OK where was I? Oh yeah, SEASON FINALE BITCHES! Johnny sold the town! I’m sure there will be no complications. Meanwhile everyone else has to say goodbye to their new friends and are finding it harder than expected.
Sebastian if you do not stop that chittering, I swear I will take you over my knee! Wait til your father comes home, Sebastian. What’s that? But Sebastian, your skin is already flayed to the bone, Mummy can’t possibly… stop that gnashing Sebastian, we’ve talked about that. How can we ever take you to town when you behave in such a way? Fine! Fetch the lash while Mummy is talking to her internet friends. Please, Sebastian, just a moment more.
I am SO sorry guys, this little man is just a handful. Nevertheless I think you get the point, we watch the season finale and have a grand old time commentating on it for your listening pleasure. Now if you’ll excuse me, motherhood waits for no man!
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Episode 241 – Surprise Party
Roland also remembers everything.
Welcome, my friends, to episode 241 of the Creek of the Week Podcast aaay-oooooooooooooooooooo. I am feeling good tonight. Feelin real good. Just microwaved up a Lean Quisine, put my favorite song on the turntable (Butterfly, by Crazy Town, of course), and now it’s time to write the description. If you’re wondering how I’m handling the isolation, WORRY NOT, for I have never been better. My home has never been cleaner, and the man that speaks to me through the floor drain in my basement hasn’t called on me to feed him in almost 3 days(!) What does he eat? Never you mind, you nosy Nelly (it’s organ meat). So yeah this week is about a surprise party! Everyone is trying to organize it for Moira without her knowing, and many hijinks ensue as they attempt to keep it a secret. Speaking of secrets, don’t tell anybody about the man beneath my basement floor. Like, it’s kinda my special thing and I kind of regret telling you about it now. Please don’t take this from me it is literally all I have. Oh Jesus what have I done, you’re going to ruin EVERYTHING. Get out of here! He’s mine!
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Episode 240 – Little Sister
And the winner for best podcast in the Television, Film, and Entertainment category is…. not this one.
Hello folks, welcome back to Creek of the week? Month? Decade? Time has lost all meaning, and reality is but a dew drop rolling down a leaf, soon to drop from the tip and plummet to the earth, only to be absorbed into the soil and forgotten. As I sit, canary in a cage though I may be, and lavish in all the comforts that a 21st century existence allows a man of modest means, I can’t help but wonder, is there more? Something outside my prison of Television, Film, and animated games that flash their mind-numbing electric pulses into my retinas, down my optic nerves, and straight to the pleasure center of my shriveled mind, keeping me silent, and docile, and sated for the moment. Once, I knew the touch of other human beings. Once I heard voices, not pre recorded in Dolby 5.1 Digital Surround sound ™, but actual human voices made by human lungs blowing air over human vocal chords. Those times are lost, however. Now, there are only my electronic friends inside the box. David, Alexis, Johnny, Moira. They keep me company. They keep me safe. And this week they have a visit from a rich relative. I hope your prisons find you safe and healthy as well. Should this missive reach you, spare a thought for a fellow prisoner, wasting away, dreaming of open air, human interaction, and the Applebees 2 for $22 value menu featuring the Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp for a limited time only at your neighborhood Applebees.
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Episode 239 – Honeymoon
Not addressed in episode: Why are they both wearing all white? I’m sure it’s some obscure high society rule they are following. #420yoloswag
It’s a new week, and a new me! I went down a dark path with last week’s episode description, and I assure you that this week I am back to business as usual. So lets get to it! This week is about people going to parties! Ahem… So Johnny and Moira are feeling a little socially stifled (CANT RELATE TO THAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and decide to shoehorn their way into a party invite (PARTY LOOKS DUMB AND NOT AT ALL FUN ANYWAY) where they engage in some casual drinking & recreational drug use. David, having just boinked the help, is invited by his sister Alexis to attend a dinner party in which 6 people gather (CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING IN A ROOM WITH 6 OTHER PEOPLE?!) It is awkward, and they all bring up awkward stuff and act awkward. So that’s it, it’s an episode strictly, about people gathering socially and indulging in the great privilege of being in proximity to other human beings. So that’s great! This is all fine. I’m fine. How are you? Good! Goodgoodgoodgoodgood. See ya next week, friends!
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Episode 238 – Carl’s Funeral
If (when) we put out a COTW album, this is very close to what the cover will look like.
Hello fellow quarantinians and welcome to the apocalypse. We, your humble hosts, are here to provide a bit of levity during these strange and frightening times, and to harken back to a world where the ever present threat of a slow and painful death, drowning in your own lung-fluid, was merely a remote possibility, and not the looming reality, the inevitable doom awaiting not only us, but those dearest to us. A dark new world in which our leaders barter with the lives of the most weary among us to keep the gears of the great machine greased with blood & souls. For you see the beast must be fed, and all of us are but kibble in the dish of the great capitalist dog-god, its frothy maw seeking only to devour… to consume… and to shit out the worthless stinking piles of refuse that will be those of us that are left behind once this great cataclysm has passed. So please, download! Listen! And for 38 minutes and 25 seconds attempt to forget that you live on a dying planet, in a crumbling society that sees only as much value in your existence as that which you are able to produce for the soulless and hungering class of obscenely wealthy ghouls that would sooner piss down your grandmother’s throat than grant her the lifesaving ventilator that would allow her to draw one more breath of the poisoned air that hangs about us all, thickening our lungs, baking the clay beneath our feet, boiling the seas to salt until nothing is left but skulls and stones. And of course podcasts. Podcasts are eternal.
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Episode 237 – Allez-Vous
Sometimes a picture is funny enough it doesn’t need a caption.
We got a doozy this week folks. MLM fever hit’s Schitt’s Creek, and unfortunately the Rose’s are the last ones to catch it. While Moira is attempting to supplement her income with questionable cosmetics, Johnny is trying to get the unemployment that is his right as a taxpaying citizen. Alexis, of course, is flirting with Mutt and fighting with Ted. After the show we break every rule of podcasting. A few highlights include: Bad editing cuts, terrible one-channel audio, and eating food live on air! If that doesn’t draw the listeners in like flies I don’t know what possibly could.
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Episode 236 – Turkey Shoot
Actual footage of Josh eyeing a new shovel.
Welcome to episode se7en of Schitt’s Creek, and episode 23six6 of Creek of the Week. This week’s ep is quite delightful even though it involves vicious animal death. David panic-volunteers to go on a turkey hunt with Stevie and some locals, this obviously leads to some fun discomfort. Alexis goes on a date with Ted the Vet in a thinly-veiled attempt to make Mutt jealous. And Moira gets a spa day and a new haircut. Sitcom stuff!
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Episode 235 – Wine and Roses
And now we will slowly raise out of Downward Dog and comfortably shift into Goatse One.
Hey! Over here! It’s a podcast! This week Moira gets an acting job, and Johnny makes a pest of himself on set. Meanwhile David isn’t feeling well so Alexis drags him to a yoga class after picking up roadkill. That’s the jist of it anyway. Your hosts watch and commentate on everything, then follow it up by rambling and stumbling their way into a painfully awkward conclusion. Isn’t podcasting fun?
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Episode 234 – The Cabin
Actual photo of Josh attempting to explain to Eric how Star Wars Clone Wars isn’t a baby show made for babies.
Another Week, another Creek. I have undoubtedly said that in one of these descriptions before, probably multiple times. Nevertheless, it remains an undeniable truth. This week’s Schitt’s Creek (sixth sheeps sick) finds Johnny and Moira looking for a little privacy so they can bone down raw dog. Hijinks ensue when the couple breaks into the wrong cabin and end up soiling the bed sheets of an unsuspecting homeowner. Meanwhile the children socialize and throw a game night at the hotel that leads to tension between David and Alexis. Your hosts watch all this happen, and occasionally say some stupid remarks about it. You know how this works.
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Episode 233 – Bad Parents
On today’s menu: Quality content.
Welcome to Episode 4 of Schitt’s Creek. This week we find the Rose’s looking to connect with their children, while their children connect with the locals. Look, it’s a 20 minute show, I can’t write a much more detailed description of the episode than that. You want specifics? Fine. David and Stevie attempt to sell David’s incredibly expensive clothing collection at various pawn shops and marketplaces. Alexis picks up garbage and spies on her new man-crush-Mutt, thinking he’s involved in a sordid affair, but it turns out it’s just his mom. Oop, SPOILER ALERT. Thanks a lot, I just spoiled the whole damn show because you all insisted on having a more detailed description of this episode. I blame YOU. YOU made me do this. It seems that I have become all that I once loathed, in the vain hope of getting one shred of appreciation, one mote of graciousness, one fleck of compassion from you, dear listener, whom I hold above all others. High atop a lofty pedestal, shining your beatific light down upon us lowly content creators begging for download scraps about your ankles. Won’t you please bequeath your bounty upon us? Download us. Listen to us. Consume US and quench the thirst that hath beparched our barren throats for want of your love. Oh, also Moira can’t remember Alexis’ middle name.
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